Interrogating Stuckness
Whenever I feel stuck, I’ve always found it worthwhile to look at the thing I imagine is in my way, the obstacle I need to get rid of. So, right now, I don’t know what to do. I can’t imagine that anything I have to write and share would help anyone else. Maybe I’m also afraid of being seen.
Right now, I’m trying to get a job in data science or quantitative UX research. There’s usually a voice that says that I’m not cut out for it, not cut out for anything quantitative, somewhere in my inside space. Frozen again. I just want to hide. I keep hearing Octavia Butler’s, “So be it. See to it.” in my head. Those are words that she wrote in her journals after goals she had written down. But I don’t know what my goal is. Or I am afraid to fail? Yeah, I’m definitely afraid to fail. I’m always afraid to fail. To some extent, might I be afraid of success? Ugh. That’s my teenage boy devil’s advocate. Certainly not wrong, but disconnected from where the work can actually begin.
Still don’t know what my goal is.
What do you want?
To help the world.
Why?
Because I have something to offer.
What do you want?
To make money.
Why?
so that my kiddo has what he needs.
Why?
Because I’ll feel ashamed for being this smart and not making money if I don’t.
Why?
So that my partner doesn’t feel like I’m a deadbeat.
Why?
So that other people will think I’m worthwhile/not a failure.
Why?
So that I can help build a better world.
What do you want?
To be confident in what I have to offer.
Why?
So that I won’t fear others’ doubts.
What do you want?
To write.
Why?
Because that’s what I’ve always wanted to do.
What do you want?
Time to be with my family and work on whatever project I dream up.
Why?
I don’t know. It just seems like that would make a life worth living.
What do you want?
To help the people that no one else is going to help/can help.
Why?
Because we need as many ways of being as possible open to us. We need examples of new ways to be.
What do you want?
Not to be hassled.
Why?
So that I can just be myself.