Illuminating shadowy bits — Non-Binary Dad

Freeze.

Stop.

Are you sure you want to do this?

Those are the first 3 feelings/thinkings I have as I begin this post. I do not want to draw anymore attention than necessary to myself right now. After all, there are so many things wrong with me. Things I know that you’ll see. Things that not even I know about, that I know you’ll see. And once you see, you will shame me or dismiss me (whichever I fear is worse at the moment). As I write that, it feels like there’s a spiraling vice around my heart. I can feel the squeeze all the way up into my throat.

So how did I get past those first three roadblocks? Well, I have this word. It’s my intention word for this year: limn (well, really one of three intention words). It’s such a little word. It means, “to illuminate” or “to illustrate”. Which I interpret to mean, “making visible the invisible.” Or making visible the parts of me closeted in shadow, shut away not by a door, but by ignorance and obscuration. Which brings to mind a line from the Heart Sutra, “Because there is no obscuration of mind, there is no fear.”

But it’s not just the word that got me to write this confession-y blog post. It’s my commitment to return to that word again and again. And I’ve been feeling the draw to return to limn for a while now. Months. I always came up with this excuse or that excuse. Mainly 2 excuses, both responsibilities of parenthood as I’m practicing it:

1) Gotta get another job to provide for the fam.

2) Gotta spend time with my kiddo (don’t want him to get hurt! don’t want to miss his life!)

Yesterday, I recognized that part of my current emotional make-up is periods of avoiding drawing any attention to myself. Which is at odds with the main activities involved in getting a new job. So posting this is working on overcoming that aversion. So posting this is working on getting another job. Just had to integrate my intention (limn) with my priorities (getting another job). Easy-peasy pumpkin-squeezy.